A page from my diary…

A page from my diary…

The year is bidding goodbye and as a practice I am summing up what I am today! This year…

Its 31st night, sitting in my luxurious penthouse overseeing the ocean from the 40th floor. While the city is illuminated and some stunning firework display painting the dark sky with various hues, I am enjoying the breeze flowing through the window, sipping my Charosa Tempranillo from my favorite groove of the house. This is the place from where I had made so many important decisions for the company as well as for my life. This corner place of my house makes me feel quite relaxed and composed. It almost always gives me strength to look ahead in life whatsoever. It’s like being in the lap of my Mom... I miss her.

And comes tomorrow, a new chapter, a new diary, a new day and a new year… Will any of these things change our life or will it be the same old life that we will get back to? 

I have never been so blank; I had been clear about what I shall write on the concluding page. However, this year I am so blank!! It’s justa few months before that I was looked upon and bestowed as the perfect example of “Today’s woman”. “She is independent, confident, ambitious, committed and most importantly self-made.”I felt good listening to those beautiful words… Oh! let me look at the business magazine where they had a cover story on me, it was not very long ago...

Hmm…found the magazine on net and had immense pleasure reading it…

Yes, it is true, as we grow up the corporate ladder, we become lonelier. Some we leave behind, some are left behind. I started my journey from a city of Hyderabad. I did my schooling and college from there, I am a product of Government school and then I studied in Osmania University. Going to fancy colleges was out of question as my parents couldn’t afford that…Father worked in Indian Army as a Jawan and mother without any doubt was a homemaker (as people have started saying now) or in my language, she was just a mother….a mother for two of us.

We stayed in housing provided by Army. Dad served in border areas most of the time. He used to come home for holidays and that’s when we had school, so visiting our grandparents did not happen much. Mom was the pillar of support for both of us all the time. She is not very educated but wanted us to do well in education.

She always wanted us to be an officer and sign with a green pen. Her ambition was very clear. She used to say, “Your dad had come from a small village and became a Jawan in Army. You should become an office and not only that she even wanted us to buy a car; we just had a bicycle those days.  

Arun, my brother could fulfill my mother’s dream. I still remember the day his name was announced in the selection list of NDA, she made sweets for the whole colony and distributed it. A few years later, when Arun purchased a used car, and took mom out for a ride, she cried inconsolably… 

Dad would have been happy if he was around, he was killed in crossfire with the terrorist.

Arun was a great support to me. I struggled to land up in a job after my education but he and mom would always build my confidence by saying that I will secure a good job too, just focus and work hard.

Oh! Those days of frantically buying the “Employment News” and applying for all the positions in government jobs…I still can’t believe I did that.

Pressure from all directions, relatives as well as neighbors’ was building up on mom and everyone were asking her to get me married as I finished my college. Thanks to her, she stood firm, she used to say, “My daughter should have a job and support her and only then marriage will be considered.” This gave me a lot of confidence.

While applying for government jobs, I came across an advt. of a job with a private company asking for Management Trainee. Although I was interested, I sought mom’s permission to attend the interview. I said that if I get I would like to join and simultaneously apply for government Jobs. Initially she was reluctant but gave me go ahead. To my luck, I got the job and was posted to Mumbai Head office of the company. Next challenge was to convince mom to allow me to relocate to Mumbai from Hyderabad.

When I reached home, mom was eagerly waiting to know the result of the interview. I said I got it but I am sad because my appointment is in Mumbai. To my surprise she was cool about it and said, “So what, if you feel it is good, I will shift with you till you are comfortable at the new location…”

This one incident changed my outlook towards life; Mom’s confidence and courage always stayed with me.

Once in Mumbai, I grew up the corporate ladder fast; fully focused towards work, with no compromise attitude. In the midst of the whole competition madness in the corporate to grow faster, I started ignoring a lot of other matters. I was never visiting Arun and his family and whenever they visited, I was unable to spend time with them.

It was my mistake…, today other than few forwarded massages to wish on festivals’ or a few minutes of chats on some odd day; we were actually not connected otherwise. I have missed him in this mad race. My dear brother who once was my pillar of strength. I wanted to call him, visit him but after so long…“What will he think? After so many years why is she coming...etc…etc” crosses my mind. So what? He is my brother; I can count on him…Should I surprise him this New Year…???? Should I drive down?

Mom had asked me to get married and had spent a lot of time looking for the right guy. In office and at workplace, lot of people approached me for marriage but I just was not ready. I wanted to be in the corner room of the office and wanted it fast, I did all that was necessary to reach there. I was posted in different departments and division of the company and I proved at every place… The high of success was so big that marriage never crossed my mind. When Mom passed away a few years before, she had asked to get a partner for myself, she had told me that one day I will feel very lonely…may be true…is it today???

Coming from a humble background and having an own house in the same building where “who’s who” of the city stay was a dream come true. I was attending seminars, conferences from industry collaborations, lectures on women’s forum, etc. Everyday I was living my dream as if there is no tomorrow? 

I was asked to be part of the economic delegation from India accompanied by the Minister for Economic Affairs. I couldn’t believe it as it was actually the biggest day of my life. After the conference, I was promoted to head international business. I was assigned to coordinate with other governments as well as ours. I was bidding for one of the major projects of another country but somehow things were not falling into the right place after working on the project for the last six months. This assignment was not going well with me, I started feeling restless.

In a party, post conference, noticing me unhappy, my Chairman called me and said, “You don’t need to feel bad; everyone goes through this pace of life. Now that you are playing a big game, just hard work won’t pay; you have to be smart as well. Come, let me show you how to crack a deal which you feel has been lost.” 

He walked closer to the minister of the other nation with a smile and whispered something in his ear. Then he met our minister and they had a few minutes chat. To my surprise, after sometime I could see the ministers, their personal secretary and my boss sitting in an adjacent room with their drink, talking and laughing out loud. When I reached there, he informed both ministers from either side that she will coordinate with you guys and make the necessary arrangements, but he wanted an increase of contact by 3%. Let’s sign the deal on 15th of next month.”Both the parties approved it and said, “Done” and celebrated with “Cheers.”

The whole meeting was disturbing and unsettling me. On our return flight, I asked my Chairman, “What is there for me to coordinate when you have done everything and how come you did that, what was the magic???” He said, “You are smart, you will learn this game soon. Both of them are going to float a ghost company with their people and we have to deal with company on paper and 2% of the deal value will go to each company, that’s it… Ha Ha Ha…” He laughed and asked, “Do you think with lesser quote and good quality you will be able to close a deal…?” 

I understood where I was going wrong…I knew it was unethical but if I have to survive I will have to do it.

And so, I did what I could do the best for me and my company. The next 2 years were good. My name was flashing on all leading magazines and even considered a go to man for any trouble cases…

While traveling back after a business deal from Afghanistan, at the airport lounge, I thought of clearing my mails. As I opened the inbox, I was shocked see a mail from my Chairman. Just as I stared at the email message on my computer, my mind racing so fast that the words blurred together and no longer made any sense. Just three lines but enough to make my life--the life I’d worked so hard and sacrificed so much to build--began to crumble around me.

I was unable to control my emotions, tears just rolled down my cheek. Government has changed and they have charged my company of corruption and I knew this…this was happening for some time now.

But, My Company has passed on the complete blame on me and sacked me from all the positions without notice…

While facing the media, keeping my emotions under control was the biggest challenge for me. I did face it bravely, as I reached home; I missed my MOM and bother a lot….

Its six months since this incident, court, lawyers and legal documents and home alone... The entire friends circle in the corporate is not willing to talk to me. I understand that they don’t want to be seen with me…

I am going to come out of it and do a fresh start but before that l have to begin from where I left. 

First things first….

Let me meet Arun and his family…100 km is not a very long drive…

A fresh leaf on the New Year…

Sulu.