My Crush

After a long summer break, I was travelling alone to join a new college and a hostel, the thought of it was giving me enough Goosebumps. The entire family had come to see me off at Secunderabad station.

My younger brother was all happy that he will have our room all for himself and he gave me a piece of suggestion, “Enjoy!! Your hostel life, you can do whatever you want” after a pause, he said “You will have pretty girls also” and winked at me…I couldn’t react, I was tensed.

He was two years younger than me but we had great relation and more like friends…

My mother had a list of instructions for me and then the last one, again one more, then again a last one while my dad was keeping my luggage into the train. When the train was about to start, he asked me to go in and sit on my seat. I just wanted to go back home, I looked at my father, anticipating he would also say that!!!

He gave me a warm hug and had only one thing to say, “It is bad world out there, be careful and take care, don’t get into any bad habits” and pushed some money into my pants pocket.

As the train moved and my heartbeat moved fast, a fear crept inside me along with some happiness of being independent as well.

"I"… a mixed bag of emotions, pulled out the film magazine out of my bag, turning the pages; searching nothing in particular, reading some nonsensical stuff… 

I could hear, a group of people making a lot of noise for trying to find their seat numbers. One of them was pushing 4-5 suitcases down the berth and one fat guy may be of my father’s age finally settled down on the my opposite seat and said, "The side upper is mine and other side coupe is also ours." Turning towards his family pointing finger I noticed a pretty girl of my age sitting there with her mother and brother.

I took an instant liking for her. I wanted to be friendly to her and so I decided to talk to her father, “I am going to Coimbatore, what about you, sir?” 

He said, “We also,” and removed a big fat novel and started reading.

I thought “Hell of an unfriendly old, fat Man!”

But they were also going to Coimbatore was like cool, I have a chance to meet her again and a long journey, I can be friends to her. All my fear, apprehension of joining a new place had gone and I was no more thinking about it.

As the train started moving again, I looked from the corner of my eye, she had put her Walkman and listening to music. I could see her enjoying the number. I was sure, it would be one of the top charts of 90’s. As the nature would have thought, a drizzle falling on my face from the window of the train and I was all romantic and finding ways and means to talk to her. But her father was sitting right in front of me. As we were crossing a bridge she jumped out of her seat and asked her father to sit on the other side she wanted the window seat and would like to see the river.

I felt it is my day, she was sitting right in front of me and she was looking out. As nature would have thought, a drizzle was splashing on her face and mine, it was so romantic as if it was straight out of some Bollywood movie and I had so many songs playing out in my heart. “You have to join the college tomorrow, don’t get sick.” called her mother asking her to pull down the window shutters. 

She ignored her mother and kept looking out. Her mother said, “Sneha!! Close the windows.”

Oh! Her name is Sneha. I was eager to know which college she was joining, I thought of an idea to find out and turned to her father asking, “Sir, I think you are from Coimbatore, can you help me to know how to go the Amrita College of Engineering, I am joining there and I am travelling for the first time.”

He looked at me from top of his reading glasses. For a moment I thought he has understood my intention and was expecting a reaction however nothing like that happened. Instead he said, “Son! That is good, we are also going there, Sneha is joining there and we are going to get her admitted in the hostel, you can join with us.” 

I felt as if all musical instruments have started playing at once in my heart. I looked at her and greeted her and introduced, “I am Arun” and very proudly said joining Mechanical. She looked at me and gave me a smile but didn’t say anything. Her father said, “Good, she is joining computer engineering” and computers, were just introduced a year back and only top ranked pupil would get admission in it.

Beyond the pleasantries, I was unable to move forward but her father had asked me all about my family and my life. In fact he asked me some questions while answering, I also realized, "Oh ! This is also ME!!

As a vendor got tea, her father ordered for everyone and asked if I will take. I wanted to create an impression and politely refused. She looked at me surprisingly and was reading her book with her walkman in her ears.

Thinking......... how to talk to her... I was standing on the door of the compartment, that’s when she also walked in. I thought she is coming to talk to me but she was there to use the Loo. While she was going back I asked which college did you study your intermediate, she turned back and stood and we has been having a nice 20 minute discussion when her father looked at her and showed her to come and sit in her place.

Next day after joining college and spending the whole day placing my things in the room, called dad from an STD booth and came out to find Sneha and her father right in front of me. He said, "He will be going back tomorrow morning and asked to take care of her. He also gave his residence phone number in case of any emergency. Sneha and I were returning to college hostel when a few of my seniors saw us together, and then the ragging follows.  

Now I felt I had the responsibility as well, so I was trying to be more protective…

Right then I heard a grumpy female voice, "It’s Sunday and here you are in the balcony again, god knows what is so interesting in the newspaper, can you go and get some milk and meat for today.” It was my wife. It has been more than 20 years and I feel it is still fresh in my mind…I got up and went going down the lift to the grocery.

Near my apartment office I met my office colleague standing and enquiry something. As I walked close to check, asked him, “Hi Sree, what are you doing here?” He looked at me and wondered, “How come you are here?”

I said, “I stay here, what about you?”

I am looking for a place for rent. As this place is close to our office I thought I will check here. I am also moving my family from Hyderabad.

"Come home, we will have this sorted out and let’s have a cup of coffee." I said inviting him to accompany me to the shop. "I guess you are aware that Rajesh our colleague is moving to USA, he will rent out his flat which is in the next block and very much visible from my balcony." Meantime I dialed Rajesh and asked, "If we can drop in to have a look at his apartment," as he has gone out, suggested to come after 30 minutes". I decided to show him to my house.

As I opened the door my wife from the kitchen shouted, "What took you so long, wherever you go you will get stuck there. Did you forget that my parents are coming for lunch...I wanted to finish cooking and get ready to spend some time with them." As she came out of the kitchen she saw Sree with me. Embarrassed, she said, "I was not aware that you are with him…"

Sree immediately joked, "Don’t worry, I am also married for 13 years now and I also hear this statement everyday however wondering whether all wives go to the same school. My wife also says the same thing…" and introduced himself, "I am your husband's colleague and recently I joined a new company and now shifting from Hyderbad to Bangalore.

"I will get some coffee but meanwhile you ask Rajesh whether he will rent his house." she told me. I smiled at her and said, “I already did that.”

Sree liked the house and paid the advance to occupy in the next month. He thanked me and my wife for the help.

I went back to my balcony with my newspaper and that drizzle brought back to my thought of Sneha. Four years of Engineering, we traveled many time together, spend a lot of time together in college and near our house. I however never had the courage to tell her that I liked her. After collage I went to do my MS in US and eventually lost contact of her. I don’t know where she is. Tried looking for her in all social media but could never find her, thought of going to her house and ask her parents but never could muster the courage.

Now married for 10 years to Radhika, what I can find is nagging, complaints, temper tantrums, boring and she has put on so much of weight. I always thought, I should have proposed to Sneha and my life would have been different. Sneha was so understanding, bubbly and cute. And I have today is a devil in my life now.  

Sree was shifting and had requested me for some help. I was more than happy to do so that I could be out of house away from the nagging of Radhika. When Sree came with his family, I was shocked to find Sneha getting down the car. I controlled all my emotions and acted as if I have not noticed her, Sree introduced me to his wife and he said she is Sneha, she immediately recognised me and said, "I know him, Arun." She tapped on my shoulder saying, "You have grown fat and with such a big belly and she turned toward Sree and said, haven’t I told you about my travel friend to Hyderabad in college, he is the one, Arun."

I was having the same emotions as on the first day in the train. I asked them to accompany to my home while the packer & movers would set their house. Walking along with them, I was looking at Sneha from the corner of my eye. She had a son and has put on lot of weight. I could see she has lost patience and she has been scolding her son for small reasons.

Me and Sree both started going to office together and were spending a lot of time together. Sneha and Radhika also became close friends and they used to go out shopping together. We as family used to go out on weekends and for movies.

I was closely watching and noticed that Sneha has changed a lot. She is altogether a different person. The friend in her, I knew was different. Once when Sree and I went out for a drink, he was not in a good mood. He was a few pegs down, on asking he started sharing about the issues he has with his wife. For a moment I thought he is talking about my wife or is that me who is talking to the mirror????

I understood, every girl would have been Sneha before marriage and same with my wife. With responsibility and work load, the bubbly girl in them takes a backseat somewhere. I couldn’t sleep that night. I kept thinking why they would have similar issues. Why do we hate shopping and they like? Why is that they want things in particular manner and we don’t? And many such questions..…and many other small issues of our daily life...

Is it that we stop understanding them after a few years of married life? Are we supportive to them after child birth? What’s wrong in spending few hours knowing their taste of dress in a mall and enjoy the confusion of choice when they have to pick up a new dress? Should we not show more intimacy to them in a normal day’s routine? And pitch in little helping hand…

Today again when it drizzled, I closed the window and held Radhika's hand and took her out on a walk…she looked surprised and stared to make sure I have not gone mad. I ignored her silent concern and appreciation and continued to walk along the street. After some time, she grabbed my hands more tightly and dropped her head on my shoulders….