Can Love Last?

It was raining heavily; I made a hot cup of coffee for myself and sat on the recliner laying on the porch…

I have always loved watching the rain, the drops falling on the leaves and trees swaying with joy, whenever I painted, it would be always the rain that I went on to paint.

As I stared out at the Animals looking for shelter…. I happened to see an old lady also standing under the tree before I could react, I found a man walking fast as he could with a huge umbrella and a towel in his hand, and I could make out, he was her husband…

Now my curiosity increased, I wanted to see what would happen… without blinking I was constantly  looking at them, He came very close to her gave the umbrella to her and he started wiping her wet hair and face…and when he was satisfied she was dry enough he held the umbrella back in his hand, put the towel on her head, held her as close as possible and started walking back to their cottage… My eyes followed them until they got into the cottage.

Door closing behind, but my eyes were still stuck at the cottage, it was not far, I could see someone at the kitchen and after some time I found the old lady coming out and sitting on the swing on the veranda, a few minutes  later the old man walked out with a tray of hot coffee and some things to eat and both sat down next to each other and I could still find love in their eyes for each other…

I couldn’t believe, what I was seeing… could we find these kinds of couples still? And a husband so caring. I wanted to know the secret, how come they have managed to keep their love, fire, so long….

Like any other person, I started thinking, is she his wife or they both are just dating or are they just friends? I couldn’t hold on with all the questions in my mind… I walked down to their cottage as they were sitting out I greeted them and the man responded, I was holding my coffee mug in my hand, so asked, can I join you for coffee, my family is in the game zone of the resort and I am staying in the adjacent cottage, he replied with a smile, I had seen you and your two naughty kids in the morning.

I introduced myself as Kiran and sat down on the chair opposite to the old couple, He extended a tray with cookies and introduced himself as Krishna Murthy and looked at the old lady and introduced her as Lakshmi… and after a pause he said, I am her husband and we all had a great laugh.

Where are you from, Krishna Murthy asked, I said “I am from Hyderabad”, I am here at Gudalur for the first time.

Murthy had a nice smile, by the time Lakshmi said, we come here quite often, whenever we are bugged from our farm which is close to 50Kms away from here….We love to see the clouds just touching the hills…you should sit here in the evening and look in that direction and you will not know how your time flies.

I will surely take time off to have a look, she stopped me in between and “NOT YOU ALONE, HAVE YOUR WIFE AROUND” that sounded very assertive, but her smile in her eyes had all the love of a mother.

She further asked what you do for a living? I answered that I work in software, taking care of international sales.

I had a pleasant discussion with them for a long time, when I found my family back from the game zone, I said I will get back sometime later.

The whole night I was thinking how come they have kept their spark of love alive after so many years, I wanted to know that, I was very inquisitive to know, I was waiting for one more opportunity to meet Krishna Murthy…

 I didn’t have to wait long,

The next morning at the restaurant, while having our breakfast, both walked down holding each other’s hand, I asked them to join us and introduced them to my wife, Rati, and Children.  While having his breakfast, I whispered in his ears, can you share the secret of your spark of love and care still? Can you help me? He laughed and said, Sure! Let’s go for a walk after breakfast if you have no plans of going out… I asked Rati if it was okay, she said I am fine, I will be with Ms. Lakshmi and I must complete the book I am reading, kids want to be in the GameZone, you go ahead with Mr. Krishna Murthy… He said call me “KM” … and laughed out loud.

He looked at me and said, we are in the stress to be happy and to find happiness…. When you laugh out loud, you don’t think anything else and it, by itself makes you happy. Don’t plan for happiness.

KM and I started walking and there was a silence between us for a long time… I turned towards him and said I am all ears to hear your secret. With a smile he said, I am not sure where to start…

Let me start by saying, all was not rosy between us all the time, we had our shares of ups and downs, we had even spoken of separating at one point of time, but we put a great amount of effort to where we stand today.

Marred for the last 38 years, blessed with two kids, both doing professionally well in their life, we moved to this small Village around eight-year back…

I was Thirty and she was Twenty-six when we got married, I was on the best phase of my professional life, going places as you call, she was also working and doing well for herself. The first couple of years of marriage was good and things changed when we had our first kid, we thought it would be our most happy phase of life, it was for sure…

When her maternity leave was coming to an end, we started to worry who would take care of Sai, both our parents were not in a position to help us, so after a lot of discussions we decided or rather to be truthful I forced the decision that Lakshmi will take a break and re-join when Sai is ready to go to school.

She was not very happy with the decision but had no choice or we had a choice, I also could have taken a break, she was earning as much I was, but you know the male ego, how can I sit at home and take care of the kid?

Things looked going smoothly, but she was very unhappy as she was not able to pursue her career, whenever we meet our friends and the lady working, that evening we would have an argument, she used to show her frustration on me…

Soon, I was given an opportunity by my company to work from London and all of us were excited and we moved, but because of visa regulation Lakshmi had to wait further for a job, and that’s when we understood Lakshmi was pregnant with our 2nd kid, after she gave birth to our daughter Gouri, she had undergone postpartum post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)

She was having trouble sleeping, nightmares, irritability, she becomes hypervigilant and started having an exaggerated startle response. I could also find her to have Anxiety and panic attacks could also find a huge detachment from reality.

I was surprised with her behavior, I was trying to do my best but managing office and also Home was becoming difficult day after day, I was exhausted, I was feeling helpless and that’s when we had a huge argument, she used to blame me for the entire situation, she not in a job, etc.. and wanted to go our own ways…

One day one of my colleague, looking at my situation asked me if he could do anything and suggest me to take a break or meet up a counselor and pour your heart out, which could help you to relax a bit. A holiday at that situation was ruled out with workload, financial conditions and the atmosphere at home, so I took the next best decision to meet a counselor.

I went and spoke in detail about my situation and she told me that my wife may be going through PTSD, and asked if she can also accompany me the next time, I went back home and waited for her to be in a good mood to tell her that I met a counselor and that she feels we should meet up together….

The situation changed, she got hyper and told me that she was not at all open to meet anyone, she said I know you have a problem and you should meet, and I don’t need to meet anyone. I was not sure what to do? That’s when I wanted to know more and started reading more to know about the disorder…

That’s when I read a line and that changed the way I looked towards life and family…

“If I asked your wife right now, to be honest about you and rate you as a husband – what would she say? Would she say you are a great husband? Are you sure? Maybe she would say you are a “good” husband, or you are an “OK” husband. Maybe she would even say you are a disappointment to her.”

That made me think and write down some notes for myself, I started to figure out how I can make the situation better, and how to wait for some time before expecting something from her end… I understand she is the one who has lost out on her career, she is in a new place without social support and so on…

What we take it for granted and which look very irrelevant, I started to focus on those small issues,

I consensually put an effort from my end to show my love and care and tried making her feel good, I used to buy a bunch of flowers for her and tell her that "Wow babe, you look so beautiful tonight. Your eyes are so incredible.” Initially, she thought, I am up to something,  she used to feel good but never let me know, but as time passed, she understood I mean what I am saying and she started dressing up for me when I was back from the office, which she had stopped after our first childbirth, she wanted to look beautiful for me…

When Gouri used to cry at night, I would pick her up and go to another room so that she could sleep, it was surely difficult for me, but I could go with less sleep and feel fresh the next day but Lakshmi needed that extra sleep, I used to think, I burn the night oil for the company when required and get back to work next day morning, then why not for the family.

Some days, the moment I am back from the office she would have a cup of my favourite coffee in hand and would want me to sit in the couch and will start with some discussion, I would be in no mood to listen after a long tiring day, but I started putting that extra effort, I would Turn off the TV, put down my phone and stop checking those damn emails…

I would say let’s sit in the balcony, maybe will get some fresh air, look straight into her eyes and listening to her genuinely interested in her views, thoughts, and feelings. I would show her that I enjoy hearing her talk, no matter how trivial the subject, because it helps me understand her better and love her more.

Listen to her… “What is the message she really wants me to hear?”

While asking her questions, I used to put that effort, so that she doesn’t feel that I am trying to probe her, it is genuinely to know her better.

To help her in the laundry (putting the cloths in the washing machine is no big deal), or make a meal for the family, indeed help her in the kitchen, it is not that she can’t do, she would want me to be around!

As we all want five day working, she being at home also want a break, so I used to cook the meal for the family on my day off.

Awh! Shopping, I was there with her and with a load of patience and a smiling face, I started going out with her and would engage myself with her for buying things, and agree with some of the most illogical reasoning for buying the thing, does that really bother?

The small gesture started bringing us closer, she was happier, all her complains had gone even though her career was on the backburner…

I was Touching her heart first.

When she could manage the finance of a big firm why not our house, both of sat down, work on our future goals and I handed over the finance to her, and let me tell you she managed it so well, every need of the household, demands of kids or purchase of house or gold were met, taking us for a holiday, she managed it so well, I never had stress and she felt empowered.

As my parents would never think of any harm for me, I was sure her parents as well, I understood they would have their apprehension about her being in a new family and the treatment she might have here, due to so many things they read and hear.

As my parents used to visit us, I started inviting them as well and would take them out, spend time with them some time without my wife around, that small effort went a long way, all of them started believing that I want to be part of their family as well, it not that she is married to this family, I was also married to that family.

No husband or wife reaches perfection in his or her roles. There will be plenty of times throughout our marriage when we will make mistakes, say the wrong thing; that need not be dragged.

If she complains about a situation, my job is to listen, let her know I was on HER side that I was always there to support her, especially when she had problem with understanding my parents or my siblings, I would dilute the situation by saying, will their opinion make any difference in our life?, they just come here for a holiday for a few days and leave, I stopped comparing the same situation with her family, which made a huge difference.

Marriage is a journey. I am constantly growing as a husband just like she is constantly growing in her role as my spouse. Instead of me doing it alone I started communicating my struggles and challenges openly with her so that both of us can face them head-on as a team. After all, with unity comes to power. 

instead of sitting and listening to the News at the end of the day, I started telling her how my day was and the problem I was facing in office and work, she started feeling to be a part of me, that fifteen minutes of talk, I could see in her eyes, that I value her views and she used to feel good.

I stopped guessing. Look we’re not necessarily the best at being mind-readers… used to ask Lakshmi. I would take her somewhere quiet place and ask her what she really needs emotionally, physically, spiritually, and every other way. What does she need from me? What would she like me to do more? Less? What needs to be changed?

It’s about her, I used to tell her what I want and need and what would make me happy. She wants me to be happy too.… 

Don’t discuss this in a demanding, complaining, or negative way but an “I want us to have a great marriage” way.

A fire goes out if it is not constantly fed, I continue to grow closer to my wife and learn more about her wants, needs, desires, and aspirations. Keep learning and growing. Just like a fine wine or aged cheese, marriage gets better over the years.

Every anniversary of mine I promised, I would make our relationship better than last years, I considered every anniversary as I am "just married", I would forget the number of years together and think of those days we were just married, so the spark remains, I would today also put effort win her over.

Everyone believes that the culture texture of the house is because of the lady of the house, I believe the otherwise, it is MAN of the house, if he changes, there a definite change.

After a few years when we had been to a function one of her friends asked about her marriage, she had a smile, and with a twinkle in her eye said, “I have a great husband!”

KM Said, “that it from me”, come let’s go…They might be waiting for us,

I replied… I would want to sit for some more time and be with myself…. I could see a content KM, a great Husband, and surely a great father walking away, he was not given any award by anyone, may not be recognized by society, but surely recognized by his loved one, who matters the most.

 After spending a couple of hours by myself and digesting what he said, I walked down to Pick up Rati and Children, going back to our cottage, I gently held Rati’s hand, I could see her surprised look from corner of my eyes, after some time I could feel her head leaning on my shoulders … I knew I am on the path of change… to make my marriage a great one.